


Does Your Beard Hang Low (OR: How to Get a Dwarf to Kill You in 30 Seconds or Less)

by HallsofStone2941



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bilbo and Kili make fun of the others, Bonding Over Beardlessness, Bordering on the Edge of Crack, Childhood Songs, Gen, Humor, Humorous Ending, and they will kill you, because I refuse to face my problems, because they will find you, do NOT piss off dwarves, light and fluffy happy stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2014-11-09
Packaged: 2018-02-24 16:39:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2588693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HallsofStone2941/pseuds/HallsofStone2941
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Bilbo recalls a childhood song and realizes that, with a bit of tweaking, it applies quite well to his own experiences.</p><p>Kili approves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Does Your Beard Hang Low (OR: How to Get a Dwarf to Kill You in 30 Seconds or Less)

**Author's Note:**

> I saw the words "does your beard hang low" and I went there.

Bilbo is sitting peacefully on a log, very much minding his own business, he would have you know, and smoking a pipe that has miraculously survived the traumatic experience of flying (and all the other stuff, too, but Hobbits are _not_ meant for heights, thank you very much, and Bilbo may be possibly amenable to running from Goblins again if it means he never finds himself so high in the sky).

Kili is sitting nearby, not so close that they could have a conversation without raising their voices, but close enough that Bilbo catches him muttering something about low-hanging beards as the youngest Prince of Durin glares balefully at Bombur's impressively looped braid. The words stir something in Bilbo's brain, and he frowns. _Do your beards hang low...no, it was "do your_ ears _hang low",_ he muses, but the thought stays in his head. Running through the lyrics quickly, he snickers, then chuckles, then promptly chokes on the smoke from his pipe. Coughing for several seconds while his body _still_ tries to laugh, Bilbo almost stumbles off his log as a hard hand thumps his back and no, he is not a Dwarf and therefore does not have the same resilience nor the number of layers that his companions do, and that _hurt_ , Kili (for it was Kili that had moved over and hit him in an attempt to help).

"You alright, Mr. Boggins?"

"Yes, Kili, just fine," Bilbo grunts, attempting to ignore the dull throb in his back.

"What was so funny?"

The question makes Bilbo freeze. The subject is, no doubt, of a delicate nature, particularly for poor, young Kili. Yavanna help him if anyone hears it. "Ah, nothing, Kili," Bilbo fibs. "An old memory, is all."

Of course, to curious, mischievous Kili, this has the opposite effect that Bilbo had hoped for. Large, soulful eyes watch him as Kili literally _tilts his head_ in a gesture for Bilbo to continue. The Hobbit feels as if he is staring at a puppy begging for scraps, and Bilbo holds out for all of two seconds before relenting.

"There was a song in the Shire that we - children, that is - sing; silly, really, about ears. Really, I don't know who thought of it or where it came from, but, well, I was thinking that instead of ears, the song would work for..." he trails off, realizing that he had said more than he meant to. His voice lowers, almost hoping that Kili would not hear it (a futile hope, as the Dwarf really is leaving no personal space between them), "...beards."

Kili frowns. "How would a song about ears work for beards?" Bilbo forces a swallow around the embarrassment in his throat.

"Well, um...the song goes something like this:" and he murmurs the words gently under his breath so that none of the others can hear him.

 _Do your ears hang low?_  
Do they wobble to and fro?  
Can you tie them in a knot?  
Can you tie them in a bow?  
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder  
Like a Gondorian soldier?  
Do your ears hang low?

Then he waits while Kili is clearly running through the lyrics in his head, all the while contemplating if he should not run now, before the Dwarf gets mad.

Instead, Kili's eyes light up, along with that soul-filling grin that makes Bilbo think of a fauntling at Yule.

"So it would go something like this?

 _Do your beards hang low?_  
Do they wobble to and fro?  
Can you tie them in a knot?  
Can you tie them in a bow?  
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder  
Like a Gondorian soldier?  
Do your beards hang low?

"It's brilliant, Mr. Boggins! Ha!" _Of course,_ Bilbo thinks. Kili has no beard to speak of, so he would not mind making fun of others for theirs. Unfortunately, Kili also does not have the ability to _lower his voice_ , and now everyone else (including an irate-looking Wizard), is glaring at him.

"What...was that?" Thorin growls, stepping forward. Kili's eyes widen and his face pales.

"Ummm...it was Bilbo's idea!"

Bilbo stares at Kili. "Wha-why would you-" he starts, then realizes that the Company, with Thorin and Dwalin at the lead, is slowly advancing toward them. Bilbo stands and steps quickly behind the log, slowly backing away from the black gazes. Kili, not one to sacrifice himself in the face of twelve angry Dwarves, quickly follows suit.

"Mr. Baggins?" Thorin asks, though Bilbo can see that several Dwarves, including Fili, are also glaring at the Hobbit's new partner-in-crime.

"Run," Kili, who is by now right next to him, mutters.

"Yeah," Bilbo replies, turning tail and disappearing into the forest.

Twelve sets of boots follow them as they dodge tree trunks and branches. Bilbo feels himself lifted into the air and latches onto a branch, Kili following him swiftly. They climb high, their light weights allowing them to go further than any of the others can follow (though they try).

They never do get much sleep that night, their tree being guarded by bristling, bearded Dwarves, but it is well worth it whenever they sing the lyrics again, making exaggerated movements around their chins and hanging onto branches and to each other as the others shout curses and shake the tree.

**Author's Note:**

> For those that don't know the song (I really don't know where it came from) - those are the exact lyrics (with the ears, not the beards), except "Gondorian soldier" is actually "Continental soldier"


End file.
